The fall has always been my favorite time of the year. I am a Libra who was born at the end of September. I love everything about the fall. Being able to witness the changing of the seasons is a blessing indeed. But the fall has become much more than my favorite time of the year, it has become an annual reminder that I am living with a mental illness, a mental illness that I cannot will away.
Eighteen years ago to the day, I was released on my 22nd birthday from my first inpatient hospitalization at Tufts Medical Center in Boston, MA. I was newly diagnosed with bipolar I disorder, after a nearly ten-day manic episode that left my friends, my family, and myself baffled and confused. I had no pre-existing symptoms of any mental illness before this manic episode, and prior to my hospitalization I had never met anyone with bipolar disorder that I was aware of. I had no idea what I was up against, but I gathered that my current lot at the time was pretty serious to say the least.
I remember that before I was released from Tufts Medical Center on September 25, 2000, the doctors and nurses there told me that it would take approximately five years to adjust to my new diagnosis. They told me that it would take time to figure out my warning signs and symptoms, and how to live with them. I often think back to this hypothesis with a smile because I thought that after five years I would be good to go. This was not my experience however.
Although I did learn a tremendous amount about bipolar disorder in general during my first five years of living with this mood disorder, I struggled like hell and the first few years were my most difficult by far. In a way I did learn to adjust, but mostly how to adjust my sails when the winds blow. And I have learned that although the winds may calm down, they never really do stop blowing. This is a fact that I had to uncover and discover for myself, and a truth that I have come to accept.
My road to recovery in living with bipolar disorder is an endless road. It will be ongoing for the rest of my life. I look back over the last eighteen years and cannot believe where bipolar disorder has taken me. There has been an abundance of darkness and an abundance of light. I can honestly say that there are very few things that I would have changed over the years, because I would not be the person that I am today without all of these experiences. Every day that I wake up is a blessing!
